YMJ021: Refuse resentment
Refuse resentment
HOSTS: Carey & Mindi Green
What you’ll hear on this episode
[02:03] Understanding resentment and its potential effects
[04:37] Handling resentment and following Jesus’ example
[11:19] Choosing to Love and Demonstrate Jesus in Suffering
[12:07] God’s Will: Healing through Hurting and Wounds
[13:11] Resentment, Bitterness, and the Danger of Divorce
[14:15] Entrusting Pain to the Father for Healing
[16:09] God’s Way vs. Our Way in Dealing with Pain
TRANSCRIPT TO FOLLOW (not edited)
Today we are thinking about a situation that we all face at least once or twice in our lives.
I think it’s probably a lot more often than that, though.
And that is a situation where you have been mistreated in some way or done wrong and that hurt can linger in your heart, that hurt can fester over time.
And even though sometimes we try to do the right thing and go to the person and work it out, we all know that there’s times when the person isn’t willing to work it out, when they won’t admit they did wrong, when you’re just left kind of holding that emotional bag.
And you’ve got to do something with that. And too often we notice, and I’m sure you’ve noticed, it turns to resentment.
You start resenting that person. You start resenting their presence in your life. You start resenting that you have to keep dealing with them.
I mean, just all kinds of directions that can turn. And obviously we’re in a marriage podcast here.
We want to talk about this relating to husbands and wives and how resentment can grow.
Understanding resentment and its potential effects
[2:03] It could be a situation where there’s been an actual betrayal and there’s been adultery that’s happened.
Could be just a constant mistreatment that you’ve tried to deal with and it just keeps happening.
And even sometimes if the person is apologetic, they keep doing the same thing.
Resentment can begin to build.
And we want to talk about maybe quickly what resentment is and how it builds.
But then more importantly, what do you do with it? How do you handle it?
So, to kind of pick apart what resentment is, I would say you just start feeling angry towards the other person, because you have been hurt, you’ve been wronged, and whenever you think about that, or when it gets to be really bad, even when they just walk into the room, you’re just feeling angry, you’re resentful.
The dangerous thing is resentment can turn to bitterness, and it just becomes this poison in your soul that just grows and grows.
[3:00] Here’s the definition of resentment. It says, bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.
So there can be some legitimacy and some truth. Maybe it really was a wrong thing.
And we get bitter about it. We get angry about it. I think your comments about anger is very good. Yes. So.
[3:19] Thank you, husband. So husband and wife out there who are listening, we want to ask, do you think you have any resentment or bitterness towards your spouse in any area?
It’s very important to try to search your heart to see if there’s any of that going on because it can really poison the unity of your relationship.
It can also poison your relationship with the Lord. Yeah, and it actually becomes an obstacle to going anywhere in your marriage.
You just kind of get stuck in the quicksand of resentment and can’t move on.
And it’s a hard thing. It really is. We don’t want to make light of it in any way. Right.
And being wronged by your spouse is a very hard thing to deal with when your spouse is not open to changing.
Because that’s the relationship where we rightly expect that person’s going to treat us well. That’s why you got married in the first place, because you love each other, and you maybe at one time did loving things toward each other, and you kind of expect that to continue.
And when it doesn’t, and even gets worse, or you see a side of the person you didn’t even know existed, and it just keeps happening, here comes the bitterness.
[4:31] Yeah. Yeah. So what does God, what would he tell us to do with that?
Resentment is a powerful poison that works its way into our relationships undetected and over time, destroys like nothing else.
Handling resentment and following Jesus’ example
[4:37] How do we handle resentment? What do we do with it? Yeah, well, I think it’s helpful to think of Jesus as our example, because he of all people was mistreated.
I mean, if you think about the reality of what happened when he was taken to trial, he was beaten and abused.
He was hung on a cross for the sins of who him?
No, he was the perfect son of God of all people on the planet.
He did not deserve to be treated like he was treated.
And yet he bore the punishment for the sins of the whole world.
So if anybody had a legitimate right to be angry about the mistreatment they received, he did. And yet.
[5:21] Peter tells us in 1 Peter 2, Mindy’s going to read this for us.
This is just a mind -blowing passage.
1 Peter 2, 23 says, when he was reviled, he did not revile in return.
When he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.
Okay, so let’s pick that apart for a minute. When he was reviled, let’s make sure we know what that word means.
It means someone was saying bad things about him, doing bad things toward him, treating him with contempt.
I mean, he was being mistreated. That’s what the word means.
So when he was mistreated, he didn’t retaliate in like manner, is what it’s saying.
He didn’t do what we humans tend to do, is get back at the person or respond in kind.
He did not do that, okay? but instead he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.
Okay, so he entrusted not the mistreatment, not the situation, not the other person.
He entrusted himself to the one who judges justly.
[6:34] So what that’s telling us is he put his well -being, his vindication, his right to be treated rightly in the Father’s hands and said, I’m not going to stand up for my own rights in terms of making them pay.
I’m not going to demand that they get their act together and treat me rightly.
I’m going to give all that to the Father and let Him sort it out.” That is an incredible attitude. That’s an amazing attitude.
And that really is in line with His servant attitude that He’s commanded us to have and that He showed that He had while He was on the earth.
And He truly is our example. We know that as believers.
And so we’ve really got to take this seriously that we need to follow Him in this.
And I love the second part of this verse where it says, when he suffered, he did not threaten.
I mean, how many times when we’ve been hurt, we’re just, we’re like, fine, well, I’m gonna do it back to them or I’m gonna withhold something from my spouse because they hurt me.
I see that as a form of threatening them.
Yeah, or if you don’t change this, I’m gonna. Yeah.
[7:49] God is asking us to do an impossible thing, really, and we can’t do it without Christ’s strength in us.
Yeah, and I think if we take this all the way to the conclusion that I believe Peter wants us to come to, we have to think it through in terms of the work of redemption that Jesus accomplished for us, because when he was entrusting himself to the Father, what he’s really doing is saying, Father, I give you all this mistreatment that’s happening to me and I give you myself as well.
And I know that you are going to do what’s right regarding this situation.
You’re going to care for me in it. And you’re also going to do what’s right regarding this person who’s mistreating me.
You will either, and I’m saying this kind of paraphrasing the verse because it’s the only two options. You will either.
Call them to account for it themselves, and you will make them answer for it at the end judgment.
[8:51] Or you will, through grace, call them to belief in Christ, and through my sacrifice, forgive them of this circumstance. That’s the only two options.
Right. Christ was working with the Father. He didn’t want to get in the way of the Father’s purpose.
And so how he was being mistreated, he said, here, I’m trusting myself, you can take care of that. I will continue with what you’ve called me to do, to sacrifice myself for the world.” And God’s plan was accomplished.
[9:21] And so we need to think of ourselves the same way and take to heart what God says in Scripture that He will work all things together for our good.
So we need to be doing what Christ did. We need to entrust ourselves to the Father. I like to picture it as the hurts that I receive are filling up my basket of pain and cares.
[9:44] And I need to dump that basket onto God’s lap and say, here’s all my pain.
Here’s everything that’s burdening me down, and I’m going to give it to you.
Because God says, cast your cares on me, because I care for you.
So that’s my job, is to entrust myself to Him, and then continue in obedience.
If you were to hurt me as my husband and you were stubborn and refused to change, I would have to say, God, I’m trusting myself to you.
I’m being mistreated. You see it.
But I’m going to trust you to take care of Cary and help him to be what he needs to be.
But in the meantime, I don’t want to be wrong also, because then we’re both wrong, and it’s a big mess.
So all humbly keep on loving Him.
Show me how to do that. Give me the strength to do that. And in time, you’re gonna work it all together for good.
And you will help Cary to see his wrong. And I like where you wound up on that because that’s the image Peter’s giving us when he talks about what Jesus did.
When Jesus entrusted Himself to the Father and then continued in obedience down the path the Lord had appointed for Him.
[10:57] He’s doing so in the understanding that God is working something in this situation that in Jesus’ case, He knew exactly what it was, the redemption of the world.
But in our case, we may not always know what God’s doing, But we can trust He is doing something in this.
Choosing to Love and Demonstrate Jesus in Suffering
[11:19] My suffering in this circumstance, though undeserved, enables me to look like Jesus in the way I entrust it to the Father.
I don’t revile in return. I don’t mistreat the other person.
I continue loving just like God loves, and I get to demonstrate Jesus to that person.
And I know when you’re in the midst of the hurt and the bitterness, and they mistreated you for the thousandth time.
That’s the last thing on your mind sometimes. I don’t care if they see Jesus right now. Yeah.
But as Christians, that’s what we’re called to. We’re to participate in the sufferings of Christ. Right.
And we’re to want God’s will over our own.
And I love how you’re bringing up what Christ completed and what he did and dying for our sins and what the father did through all of that.
God’s Will: Healing through Hurting and Wounds
[12:07] Because I’m looking at the verse Right after what I just read, verse 24, it says, He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree that we might die to sin and live to righteousness.
By his wounds you have been healed.
So that’s showing us the Father wanted to heal us by hurting his son.
And so we can transfer that to our marriages. We’re going to be hurt.
[12:32] But we need to keep in our mind that God is wanting to heal those wounds and heal the wound of our spouse that they might be feeling, and that’s why they keep hurting us. So we’ve got to stay out of the way.
We’ve got to just keep dumping it on the Father. Here’s more pain, more pain.
I’m going to hang on to you, Lord. Give me strength to keep loving my spouse so that you can be free to work it all together for good, for healing.
But if I get in the way and say, no, I’m not going to stand for that.
How dare he treat me that way? I’m not going to stand for it because I have rights. Pete And let the resentment build up and build up.
Resentment, Bitterness, and the Danger of Divorce
[13:12] Terry Right, to the point of bitterness and anger and what probably happens many times is divorce.
So, God was not able to heal that marriage because we allowed that bitterness to grow, that resentment to grow, so much so that we can’t see any other way out.
[13:31] It’s been so muddied, we cannot see any other way out. And so, we just, we get out of the muddy pool and we’re done.
And we feel justified in that. And that’s very sad because we’re not doing it God’s way.
God wants to show His power by bringing healing if we will let Him.
[13:51] What a good word. What a good word. And it goes back to where we began.
[13:58] Being aware of that resentment that’s beginning to build, being aware of the fact that I’m not entrusting myself to the Father, I’m holding all of this hurt.
It’s almost like you’re feeding it, you’re nurturing it, and just letting it get bigger and bigger and bigger.
Entrusting Pain to the Father for Healing
[14:15] And when we do that, we actually are keeping ourselves out of the realm of healing.
We’re keeping the sore festering and getting more infected and getting worse and worse, rather than entrusting ourself to the Father and letting him move us toward a place of healing.
Whether that person changes or not, the healing can happen in our souls because we’re giving ourselves to the Father. Yeah.
I really feel like there are many people listening to this who probably feel like they’re trying to eat an elephant right now because what we’re describing sounds so far -fetched in light of the pain that they’ve endured and that they continue to endure.
And so, I don’t want to make light of that, but I also don’t want to downplay the significance of what Peter’s teaching us here.
So I think that we want to encourage you couples out there, just start by asking the Father to help you to entrust your pain to Him, and then show me what to do.
Don’t try to do any of this on your own. You need God’s strength every single second of the day, especially if the pain is so hard.
[15:22] Ask the Father, I want to obey you, I want your plan for my marriage, help me not to get in the way.
So I’m going to entrust myself to you, I know you’re going to take care of me, so show me.
How do I love my spouse even though he keeps hurting me, or she keeps hurting me?
Show me what to do each and every day. And that’s going to mean that you’re going to need to be praying a lot.
You’re going to need to be seeking the Lord and reading your Bible.
I mean, that’s our reality.
God is your answer to this kind of pain, this kind of relational hardship, so go to Him. Plead with Him to help you.
That’s great. It makes me mindful of our way as opposed to God’s way in dealing with things like this.
God’s Way vs. Our Way in Dealing with Pain
[16:09] Our way typically is to protect ourselves, retaliate, blame, even though the blame may be deserved and cocoon, you know, just protect ourselves, get all sheltered. God’s way is, Sacrifice for the sake of the one who’s offending.
[16:31] Give in love toward them. And that is the avenue that change in that person’s life actually comes.
God so loved the world, He gave His only Son. He hung on a cross and suffered to bring us, the offenders, healing.
And that’s very counterintuitive to the human way of thinking.
And as believers in Christ, we have to create this new category in our minds.
That the way toward healing may be the way of sacrifice. It may be the way of love when it’s undeserved.
And I think I shouldn’t say maybe, it will be. Yes.
TODAY'S PRAYER
Father, thank You that You are our loving God and You gave us the best example through Your Son, Jesus. I thank You, Jesus, for Your sacrifice and Your love to us. I just ask that You will empower us through Your Holy Spirit to do these very hard things, to entrust our pain to You, to trust You to lead us and guide us to love and to sacrifice. Help us to trust Your faithful word that You will work all things together for good, like You did for Joseph in the Bible with his brothers who sold him into slavery, and in the end he was greatly honored and blessed. I pray, Father, that You will do that for these couples, for the husband who’s being hurt, the wife who’s being hurt, that You will bring great healing and joy down the road in their relationship. I pray, Father, that the spouse who is doing the hurting, that You will humble them and open their eyes and bring brokenness to them so that they will repent and start walking in obedience. Thank You so much, Father, for your hope and for your guidance to us, and we love you. Jesus’ name, amen.