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009: Discipline is a good thing (not a scary thing)

INTRO AUDIO:

Man the word discipline, it kind of has taken on a negative connotation in our day, but friends, discipline is not a bad thing. Any accomplishment, any achievement you see of note has required discipline today. We want to talk to you about discipline as a parent and why it’s a good thing, not a scary thing. This is God fearing kids and the parents who raise them. Hey friends, welcome back to God, fearing kids and the parents who raised them. I’m Carey green

MINDI:

And I am Mindi green.

CAREY:

And we are so thrilled that you’re with us today. We’re going to be talking about the word discipline and when it comes to disciplining your kids, the mindset we want to encourage you to have is that discipline is a good thing. It’s a great thing. Not a scary thing. Many parents feel very intimidated when it comes to discipline, they feel scared. They feel like, uh, it’s, there’s just so much that is involved. And how do I do it and all that. We’re going to walk you through that in time. But first we just want you to get philosophically in your mind. That discipline is a good thing. Now let’s start out by just asking you a simple question. When you hear the word discipline, what comes to mind could be exercise, because we have to apply discipline and exercise plans. It could be diet plans or routines. You think of discipline involved.

CAREY:

There could be punishment or correction that comes to your mind could be athletics, could be abuses that you’ve suffered. And it was all disguised under the form of discipline. I mean, there’s all kinds of possibilities, but we just want you to become aware of what tone that word discipline starts to reverberate in your mind. Where are you at right now? When it comes to thinking about discipline and as we move forward, we want to just lay this out for you to consider as parents. We are responsible before God to discipline our children for their own good. God has put that on our plate. That’s our role as part of what we do in teaching our kids. Mindi, would you look at Proverbs three, 11 and 12 and read that for us?

MINDI:

Yes. It says my son do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke because the Lord disciplines, those he loves. And as a father, the son he delights in.

CAREY:

So those two verses make it very clear. That discipline is a positive thing and it’s encouraging us as recipients of discipline, not to resent it, not to kick against it. And we’ll talk in a moment about how we need to teach our kids, that attitude on their side. But on our side as parents, we need to understand two powerful things there in verse 12. First off discipline is an act of love. It, it really is when it comes from God or when it comes from a parent,

MINDI:

I think in showing love with our discipline, it can be in a lot of ways, quite simple after you discipline your child and you’ve gone through the hard negative side of it, you always want to end it with love to them in one way or another. You’re wanting to communicate love. You’re wanting to give them a hug. You’re wanting to tell them how much you love them. And the things that you’re proud of our children need to know what we think of them. Especially if they just experienced our anger about something they did wrong.

CAREY:

Yeah. Or our displeasure about something mm-hmm <affirmative>. Yeah. And none of that is to say that the active discipline itself is not loving. It is loving to discipline your child because you’re correcting them and, and turning them away from bad behavior. That’s going to bring harm to them or others. Part of what I think we have to be very careful about here is being aware of our own motives. You know, there have been times when I in my parenting have rushed into a discipline situation because I was personally hurt or personally offended by the kid. I felt disrespected or maybe they even, you know, threw a ball and it whacked me in the face or whatever. And I rushed into the situation with irritation and anger and my motive was not right. My motive was not one of love. It was one of lashing out, you know, wanting to let them know how much they hurt me. You know that very natural human intimacy. We all have. But in parenting we got to constrain it all by love. Love has got to be what’s behind the things that we’re doing. And that’s what this verse telling us, the Lord disciplines, those he loves and we love our children. So we wanted to discipline them.

MINDI:

And thankfully the Lord always disciplines us perfectly and doesn’t respond wrongly when we do something. But those times when we do respond wrongly, we need to be prepared ourselves to always make it right with our children. Yeah. The moment the holy spirit shows us, you were way out, you know, you were too irritated with your child. You shouldn’t have yelled at them, even though you might have been correcting something that needed to be corrected. Yeah. But you were too angry or, or whatever. Whenever he shows us that, even if it’s a week later, we need to go to our child and apologize and tell them what we should have done. Tell them what we did. That was wrong. Cuz that in and of itself is training them how to be yeah. Like Christ.

CAREY:

Yeah. Training them what to do when they’ve messed up by your own example.

MINDI:

And it’s teaching them humility.

CAREY:

Yeah. And I think as a part of that confession and desire to have your child issue forgiveness towards you, you’re also want to tell them and I’m asking the Lord to help me not to be that away again. So you’re wanting to give them hope that you’re not just going to be the same old dad. Next time the Lord is on your side and he’s going to be helping you. All right. Another thing that verse 12 here tells us notice. It says the Lord disciplines us as a father disciplines, the son he delights in. So discipline not only can, but it should coexist with delight toward the child. We can be upset with our child’s behavior. We can be very irritated at the wrong they’ve done. I mean, that’s all right things to feel as a parent, but we can still delight in our child in that moment. And we can still see our discipline as something we’re expressing toward them because we delight in them. We want better for them.

MINDI:

That’s why we help to curb their behavior. We help to show them maybe some wrong behaviors, wrong habits because we delighted who they are. And we want them to be the best that God has for them.

CAREY:

Yeah. There’s this funny little saying that I’ve heard that says, God loves you just the way you are, but he also loves you so much. He doesn’t want to leave you that way. In his sense, we’re responding that way to our kids. We love our kids for who they are just like they are. They don’t have to please us to get our love, none of that. But we love them so much. We want to help them root out the wrong and the unsocial behaviors that they have, the unkind behaviors and considerate attitudes. We want to help them root that out because it’s for their good and it’s for the good of those. They’re going to encounter in life. You know, throughout life, their bad behavior will have ripple effects into relationship after relationship. If they do not curb it. And so whether they’re four years old or 14 years old or 24 years old, we as parents want to be instrumental in helping them to see themselves the way they come across to people and curb those things. Now let’s talk for a moment about what’s at stake. If we get this wrong, I mean, if we get this wrong and we continue in it, I guess is what I’m saying, what’s at stake. What’s going to happen.

MINDI:

Well for one children are not going to have the right view of God because we are not lovingly disciplining them as they’re growing up the way God disciplines us. So it’s very possible that when they become adults, they’ll be disciplined by God. And they’ll see it as a very negative thing.

CAREY:

Yeah. God’s mean God doesn’t love me.

MINDI:

Yeah,

CAREY:

Yeah. Yeah. That’s very good. And I think also if we never discipline them or we seldom discipline them effectively, they’re going to grow up thinking too highly of themselves. They’re going to think I don’t mess up. I’m all that, you know, whatever phrase you want to put to it,

MINDI:

Or they’ll think just the opposite, they’ll have a very bad opinion of themselves and be very insecure. They won’t be coming across as arrogant and proud. They’ll be feeling like nobody loves them. Not disciplining your child. Definitely for some personalities cause the child to not feel loved.

CAREY:

Isn’t that interesting? It’s interesting because we are wired as human beings to be human, which means imperfect. We make mistakes. We have areas that need to be corrected and something in our wiring intuitively knows that. And so if no, one’s caring enough to step in and tell us, we recognize they’re not loving us. Well, even if a smaller or younger child can’t articulate that that’s happening in their soul. That’s a really good point. I hadn’t thought about that one. Another thing that’s kind of obvious, but it needs to be said is that if we get this wrong and continue to get it wrong, as parents other people are going to suffer the inconsideration of an uncontrolled and potentially disobedient kid. Think about the last restaurant you were at, where the kid at the table next to you was throwing food, screaming, turning around in his seat, bumping you in the back of the head because he was not being disciplined. Well, he, that’s just a, a very minor example of the kinds of things that happened. I mean, take that same kid and move him to 13 years old. And he’s still just like that. As they get older, the impact of that disobedience and lack of self-control magnifies itself

MINDI:

And move it up even further to a very sobering reality, take that kid who was not disciplined well, who becomes a drunkard. And he ends up killing someone because he drove drunk. Yeah. That’s the hard reality. And we, as parents are responsible, we’ve got to get that in our head. We can’t say, oh, he’s 25. I’m not responsible anymore. Well, you are because you’re the one that trained him or didn’t train him in the way he ended up going.

CAREY:

That’s exactly right. That’s a hard word to hear, but I assure you, if you can take those words to heart and take it seriously that your children and the way they turn out is your responsibility. Your parenting journey will be much more effective because you are taking this seriously. Not trying to, to slough off the responsibility. I think another thing that happens is if we don’t discipline well, we are setting our kids up for failure. I mean their lives are going to be just disastrous if nothing else, relationally, because they are not going to learn things like self-control and consideration and the things that make a two way street on a relationship actually work

MINDI:

And humility, which is so very important.

CAREY:

Yeah. Yeah. Now let me say, of course, at any point in your child’s life, whether they’re 8, 18, 28, God can step in and intervene and inject character into your children, even though you didn’t, he can, but that’s the exception, not the rule. We should not be basing our parenting approach on the exception. We should not be basing our parenting approach on the hope that God will step in and change things. God often lets us reap what we sow mm-hmm <affirmative> and when we so bad parenting, we often reap terrible kids. <laugh> I mean, let’s just be honest about it.

MINDI:

And sadly, we’re seeing the results of that truth in our society and in our church.

CAREY:

Yeah.

MINDI:

So we, we really want to encourage you as parents. Let’s start a new thing. Let’s start seeing godly parents all around the world, making a change.

CAREY:

Absolutely. And let’s wrap up this section just with an example, we can all kind of relate to that. I think kind of brings this home for us. We’ve all had some sort of an instructor, an athletic coach, a music teacher, someone who’s teaching you dance, anything in that realm where you’re learning a new skill or you’re learning to be a part of a team. That person is going to discipline you in various ways, depending on what it is you’re involved in, in athletics. It’s going to be a coach teaching you fundamentals, getting you into physical shape, pushing you to your limit physically until you’re just feeling like you can’t do anymore. And why are they doing that? What’s not because they hate you and they want to make you life miserable. It’s because they’re teaching you what they, as a wiser, more experienced person know, you need to learn in order to be successful at the thing you’re engaged in. Think about a music teacher. You’re learning guitar. That instructor is going to make you learn the chords and is going to make you keep practicing. Even though your fingertips are sore. Why because they know that soreness will build up callouses and over time you won’t even notice the strings. And then you have a chance of becoming proficient.

MINDI:

Yes, these coaches, they want the best. They want you to win at the game. They want you to succeed at your performance. And don’t we as parents want our children to win at the game of life.

CAREY:

Absolutely.

MINDI:

And why do we want that? Because that’s what God wants. And it brings him all the glory in the end.

CAREY:

That’s right. This is about creating kids who have a heart that reflects the heart of God and have a God who is delighting in them because they are his obedient children. So I think we should probably wrap up by asking the question, what should you do from this point forward? If you’ve been doing this wrong, if you’ve either not been disciplining or you’ve been very sporadic in your discipline or actually disciplining incorrectly, you know, in a harsh way with wrong motives, what should you do?

MINDI:

Well, first of all, we need to repent.

CAREY:

All right, wait a minute, define that word for me.

MINDI:

We need to admit that we’ve done wrong and we need to go to the Lord and say, I am sorry. I’ve been doing this wrong. Please forgive me. And in doing that, we need to know and believe that he will forgive us.

CAREY:

That’s right.

MINDI:

And first John won nine. He will forgive us and he will cleanse us from the wrong that we’ve done so we can move forward and hope.

CAREY:

Yeah. So repentance may sound like a religious word to you and it may sound like a heavy handed thing, but it’s not. It’s just being humble enough to admit you’ve been wrong and going to God who knows anyway and telling him, asking him to cleanse you, asking him to prepare you for what’s ahead. As you turn a corner, the word repentance in the new Testament, the Greek word actually means a change of mind. And so you’re changing your mind about the behavior you’ve been doing, which is lack of discipline or bad discipline. You’re saying, God, I’ve been doing it wrong. I change my mind. I want to do this, right. I want to quit doing that. Please help me. Please equip me. And that means from there you begin praying for God’s help in God’s wisdom. You may need to get in the scriptures and, and learn for yourself what Christian people are called to be in the world so that you can teach it to your kids. So you can notice when they’re not doing it. That may be part of your, your reformation. So to speak as a disciplinarian.

MINDI:

Yes. And I want to remind you to get into the Proverbs that will give you a lot of wisdom on how our behavior should be. What, why is behavior is? And also you should pray for God to prepare your child’s heart for the discipline that you need to give to them. So that they’ll be open and they’ll be humble and they’ll receive it.

CAREY:

Yeah, that’s a good word because none of us really enjoy being corrected and our kids are the same way. And if you’ve not been a disciplinarian by any stretch or even you’ve been doing it wrongly, and then you’re trying to implement it or do it a different way, your kids are going to push back just naturally. And so it’s very wise to be praying for God to prepare your child’s heart. God can do it. He can prepare them. He can get them ready. And then this may sound kind of weird to you, but this is something we found in our family was just so, so helpful. Once you’ve made this reset in your own thinking and in your own approach, and you’ve decided I am going to begin disciplining in these wise ways. This is how I’m going to go about it. You need to call a family meeting.

CAREY:

You need to bring your kids into the room and you, first of all, confess, you’re wrong to them. I haven’t been loving you well, because I haven’t been disciplining you. You might even want to read the proverb. We talked about earlier and say, discipline’s a loving thing. I realize I haven’t been loving you. Well, that needs to change for your good and for the good of our home and our family. And so these are the changes you should expect are going to start happening. And I want to ask you to humbly receive the correction. Let’s work together to improve our family, improve our lives to honor God more. And you’re really setting the expectations with your kids going forward. So they they’re kind of on notice. Things are going to look different around here. And then obviously you’ve got to apply your new approach. You’ve got to start being consistent with the changes.

MINDI:

Yes, yes. And giving examples of things that the Lord has shown you where you have not been disciplining. Rightly you need to tell the kids, you know, the verse that talks about no grumbling and complaining.

CAREY:

Yeah.

MINDI:

And you can tell your children, we have a lot of grumbling and complaining in our home and I even do it children. And I’m so sorry. And I read this verse the other day and the Lord told me that we grumble and complain too much in our home. And so I’ve apologized to God and I want you children to apologize to God and let’s start new. And then you explain to the children, this is the kind of discipline that’s going to happen. If I hear you continuing to complain and you just set the stage, very simply simple steps and clear. You want your children to be able to understand it and know guessing on their part. That’s how you can help them with the changes that you’re going to make.

CAREY:

Yeah. And then this sounds weird to say it this way, but you’ve got to have your eyes peeled four situations where you can do what you said. You’re going to do. The children need to know this is real and this is going to stick for our good, you’re not being angry about it. You’re not being punitive. You’re not, you know, none of those negative connotations. You’re just being consistent to love them well in the way that you and God have determined, you’re going to love your kids. Well, well, before we wrap up, we want to pray for you about these situations, whether you’ve been disciplining Soso, not at all, kind of good wherever you are. We want to pray for you.

MINDI:

So Lord, we’ve just lift up these listeners today, mothers, fathers, little tiny children, older children, adult children. And we just ask that you will give them your encouragement through your holy spirit, that there is hope in your wisdom and your truth. And we ask father that you will give them insight and discernment of where they need to make changes in how they’re disciplining their children. And we ask that you will make it clear to them, practically the changes they need to make. And I pray father that you will open their children’s hearts to be willing to receive the loving discipline. And I pray father that you will bring encouragement through success in this. And most of all, Lord, I pray that you will teach these parents to be humbled before you, and to be willing to receive your discipline and your instruction of how they need to parent their children. We thank you so much, father, that you are the main player in this and you are the one who is here willing and ready to help us as we guide and love our children in Jesus name. Amen.

CAREY:

Amen. Well friends, thanks for joining us again. Join us for the next episode. And we will talk to you then.